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Ron Simms Jr.
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Ask MISSter Simms – I Like My Friend’s Crush

It's cool, not trying to put a rush on you.  I had to let you know that I got a crush on you.

It’s cool, not trying to put a rush on you. I had to let you know that I got a crush on you.

Dear MISSter Simms,

I met this guy through my best friend.  We quickly became friends and now hang out with the same group of people.  We have a lot in common.  The other day he made it clear that he would be interested in a relationship, and I think if we started dating, we would work well together.  There’s just one problem: the friend who introduced us.  She recently mentioned that she’s interested in the guy, and has been for quite a while now.  She knows the guy is interested in me, but has no idea about how I feel about him.  I’m not sure what to do.  On the one hand I could take the chance with the guy and possibly damage my relationship with my friend forever…and there’s no chance that me and the guy would work out long term.  On the other hand, I could just forget about him and find someone that none of my friends are interested in.  What do you think?

Orange Crush

Dear OC,

You already know dating someone your friend is into will probably ruin your relationship.  The real question is: would it be worth it?  Potentially you wouldn’t be losing just the one friend.  If you guys hang out with the same group of people, you could potentially lose all your friends.  How do you think the other people would react upon learning that you’re dating a guy that you knew someone was interested in?  They might not give a crap…or, they might treat you like scum who doesn’t care about betraying your friends.  Is this guy worth risking that happening?

And, really, it would be kind of a betrayal.  It’s not like you guys were at a party, ran into the dude together, developed a crush on him at the same (damn) time, and he one day chose to be with you.  At least in that scenario you don’t come out looking like a backstabber.  But that’s not how it is, is it?  She knew him first, introduced  you two, and then let you know that she’s had a crush on him for years.  Knowing all that, you would look like the. worst. friend. ever for dating him anyway.

That said, there is some good news.  She knows that he likes you.  She might come to the realization that she doesn’t have a snowball’s chance in hell of getting with him and leave him alone.  Then you could swoop in guilt free.  If that doesn’t happen she may just get bored eternally waiting for the dude to put a move on her and find someone else.  She might even be real bold and strike up a conversation about you and the guy dating.  You could use that as a way to gauge how she feels about that.  If that happens, don’t just blurt out that you have a serious crush on the dude and want to have like 20 of his babies.  Try to be a little subtle by saying something like, “Oh, him?  Yeah, he’s kinda cute….”

These are all things to think about, along with this quote from Jean de la Fontaine. “Rare as is true love, true friendship is rarer.”

Need relationship advice?  Send your questions over to ronsimmsjr at gmail dot com.

 

 

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Ron Simms Jr.
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Ask MISSter Simms – Am I Too Opinionated?

Opinions are like...you know the rest.

Opinions are like…you know the rest.

Dear MISSter Simms,

I’ve been seeing this guy now for a few months, and it’s been great!  But the other night on the phone we started talking about someone who I don’t like, and I said something pretty mean about the guy.  My boyfriend got really quiet and asked what my problem was.  He said I invalidated his opinion with mine, that I do it all the time, and that he’s not sure if he can take it anymore because I’m always talking to people in a rude way.  Then he spends the next half an hour making the same point.  I cried.  So, of course, he took that time to tell me how his friends think I’m too opinionated and dismissive.

When we first started dating, he said one of the reasons he was attracted to me was because of my intelligence, wit, and the way that I constantly speak my mind.  Now it’s a problem.  He doesn’t want me to feel like I need to dumb myself down…just that I need to be nicer and less opinionated during conversations.  Now I dig the guy, and we didn’t have any problems up until this point, but I don’t want to compromise who I am.  Should I just call it a day and find someone who likes me for who I am, opinions and all?

Opinionated Lady

Dear OL,

Should you call it a day. That depends…

Do you want to be with someone who apparently gets butt hurt because you don’t agree with what they’re saying?

Do you want to be with someone who has communication issues?

Do you want to be with someone who’s friend’s don’t seem like you? 

Do you want to be told how to express yourself?

If the answer to all these questions is no (or possibly, hell nah), then it’s time to drop him like a hot potato.

You see, your boyfriend is softer than a pile of feathers, cotton balls, and Teddy bears combined.  He can’t handle you for who you are.  You seem like a strong, confident woman, but he sounds like he might be into someone a little bit more timid and pliable.  Someone like the Prince of Zamunda’s first wife in Coming to America.  It’s not like your strong opinions have affected your other relationships.  You guys haven’t been together that long, and you don’t need to settle.  There’s plenty of dude’s out there who would be happy to have a woman who isn’t afraid to stand up for herself.

Need relationship advice?  Send your questions over to ronsimmsjr at gmail dot com.

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Ron Simms Jr.
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Ask MISSter Simms – Should I Leave My Boyfriend Behind?

leaving your boyfriend

Sometimes you need a little time for yourself

Dear MISSter Simms,

I am a 21 year-old college student graduating this winter.  I was recently accepted to a prestigious university to pursue my graduate degree, which I’m definitely excited about.  However, I have a boyfriend who I’ve been dating for six years, and he really wants to follow me to graduate school.  My first thought was, “great!”.  My second thought was, “I don’t know…” I love my boyfriend and am happy that he wants to support me, but what I worry about is his lack of drive and ambition.  He dropped out of college and doesn’t really have any plans to go back.  He’s also never lived anywhere other than his parents’ house.  Meanwhile, I’ve been living on my own (more or less) for the past four years.  I’m worried that he’ll find it too difficult to live away from home, although I also think it’ll ultimately be a good opportunity for him to move somewhere new.  I’m also worried that living with him might jeopardize the opportunity that I have .  Will I be able to fully experience things if I also have a boyfriend to worry about?  I don’t want to lose him, but I’m really unsure if he should come along with me or if I should leave him behind.  What do you think?

Grad Girl

Dear GG,

I’m sure you’ve already shed plenty of blood, sweat, and tears during your four years of undergrad.  You think it gets an easier in grad school?  Heeeeeeeeell no.  What you should do is tell your boyfriend to chill for a minute while you spend your first year at grad school alone.  A year without him will allow you to a) focus on your studies b) make a new life for yourself and c) evaluate whether or not this is the guy you really want to be with.  Once your year apart together is over, you’ll know whether or not there’s a place for your boyfriend.  You may find that he pales in comparison to all the future investment bankers, existentialists, and bakery scientists you’re bound to meet in grad school.

Need relationship advice?  Send your questions over to ronsimmsjr at gmail dot com.

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Ron Simms Jr.
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Ask MISSter Simms – Will My Condition Scare Him Away?

Ask MISSter Simms

Don’t let your health keep you from finding love

Dear MISSter Simms,

A few years ago I suffered a blood clot in my lung.  It happened because I have multiple genetic blood clotting disorders that require me to be on blood thinners for the rest of my life.  You’re probably wondering what’s so bad about blood thinners.  Let me tell you it makes my life kind of hellish.  I can’t get on birth control because it promotes blood clotting.  I can’t have children because all my disorders combined would make me miscarriage.  On top of all that, I now have a super heavy period that lasts longer than usual.  When I first found out about all of this, it crushed me.  Since then I’ve been learning to live with it.

Clearly this makes having relationships difficult.  A guy I really liked asked me out recently.  He wants a family, like I do.  It’s nice to be out with someone who wants the same things I do.  We’ve been on a few dates, and at some point I know I’m going to have to tell him about my condition.  He hasn’t seen all the pills I take yet, and he hasn’t commented on my medic alert bracelet.  I’ve done my best to keep things quiet.  It’s kind of refreshing to be “normal” and not have to think about things.  But, again, I do have to tell him…because it isn’t fair to keep him in the dark, right? 

I’m not sure how to tell him, though.  Should I give him the story about how it changed my life, or just stick to the facts?  I want him to be aware of what I’ve been through, but I don’t want his sympathy.  I want him to know that I want to have a family, that it won’t happen the way that I want it, and to know what he’s getting into with me.  How do I bring this up?  How do I not scare him?  How do I tell him that I more than likely won’t be able to carry children.  How do I give him an out in case he doesn’t want to be with me?

Blue Genes

Dear BG,

First of all, big ups to you for learning to live with something that would probably break down a lot of other people.  That said, having all these disorders is something that still obviously affects you.  I think, moving forward, the best thing you can do for yourself when it comes to this relationship or anyone you may have in the future is to not think so much about your condition and the effect it has on your ability to bear children as a confession you have to make, but more so as just another thing that makes you you.

Here’s the thing.  You can’t live your life hung up on what may or may not scare people away.  Everyone has something about them that may be a deal breaker to someone.  Some men will definitely be deterred by your condition, but, surprise surprise, some people won’t.  Those are the people that you need to give a chance, because they’ll be committed, supportive, and probably able to cope with adversity, but you can’t determine who those people are unless you come out and tell people what’s going on with your health as matter of fact as possible.

You’ve already been on a few dates with him before, and I’m sure you by now you know each other’s favorite food, colors, movies, and cuddling positions.  The next date you go on I’d point to my bracelet and be like, “You never asked me about this.”  Then you can launch into your story, and how you battled back, and how you still want to have a family some day even though it may not be the way you originally wanted to.  If he really cares about you he’ll admire your inner strength and determination.  If not then hey; you can give him an immediately ending him, slowly fading out of his life, or coming to the mutual agreement that things aren’t going to work out.  It happens!  And you can get back to looking for someone who will accept you for who you are.

Need relationship advice?  Send your questions over to ronsimmsjr at gmail dot com.

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Ron Simms Jr.
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Ask MISSter Simms – My Boyfriend Says I Gained Too Much Weight

Ask MISSter Simms

Maybe it’s him, not you.

Dear MISSter Simms,

I’ve been dating my boyfriend for two years.  In the beginning he was the pursuer, but as time went on I was the one falling head over heels in love with him.  However, now I’m not so sure how I feel.  Recently my boyfriend has been acting extremely shady.  He’ll get wasted at bars, then go stay at his friend’s house instead of coming home to me (because he’s too drunk to drive, you see).  This wouldn’t matter much but…his friend lives with a girl who my boyfriend once hooked up with.  He’ll also go out and lie about who he’s with.  Naturally my reaction has been to be suspicious of his every move and snoop through his things, but that only drives me crazy.  The other day he said the four dreaded words to me: “We need to talk.”  I panicked.  Was he cheating one me?  Breaking up with me?  Come to find out, the reason why he was being so shady was because I gained weight.  Was he really blaming our relationship issues on my 10 lb weight gain?  After telling me, he suddenly became more affectionate and loving, but I’m pissed.  Should I put up with his shallowness, or should I kick his butt to the curb?

Dead Weight

Dear DW,

Should you put up with his shallowness?  Definitely not.  But is that all you’d be putting up with?  Definitely not.  Let’s see…he’s also being mad shady, mean, and not communicating with you.  Is all that worth it to you?  I hope not.  It seems like right now you are not getting what you need out of this relationship to make putting up with this stuff even remotely worth it.  My inner Ms. Cleo tells me that your boyfriend is up to no good and came up with this weight gain excuse to shift the blame over to you and relieve himself of feeling bad about whatever he’s doing.  Rather than take responsibility, he’s created a “problem” for you to worry about that takes the heat off of him.  It’s a classic Jedi mind trick.  What you need to do is confront him and get the truth out of him to find out what the deal really is.  If he doesn’t fess up, drop him.  If he does…you should still drop him.  Because at the end of the day you want someone who can communicate their feelings and isn’t shady as hell, right?

Need relationship advice?  Send your questions over to ronsimmsjr at gmail dot com.

 

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