Dear MISSter Simms,
A few years ago I suffered a blood clot in my lung. It happened because I have multiple genetic blood clotting disorders that require me to be on blood thinners for the rest of my life. You’re probably wondering what’s so bad about blood thinners. Let me tell you it makes my life kind of hellish. I can’t get on birth control because it promotes blood clotting. I can’t have children because all my disorders combined would make me miscarriage. On top of all that, I now have a super heavy period that lasts longer than usual. When I first found out about all of this, it crushed me. Since then I’ve been learning to live with it.
Clearly this makes having relationships difficult. A guy I really liked asked me out recently. He wants a family, like I do. It’s nice to be out with someone who wants the same things I do. We’ve been on a few dates, and at some point I know I’m going to have to tell him about my condition. He hasn’t seen all the pills I take yet, and he hasn’t commented on my medic alert bracelet. I’ve done my best to keep things quiet. It’s kind of refreshing to be “normal” and not have to think about things. But, again, I do have to tell him…because it isn’t fair to keep him in the dark, right?
I’m not sure how to tell him, though. Should I give him the story about how it changed my life, or just stick to the facts? I want him to be aware of what I’ve been through, but I don’t want his sympathy. I want him to know that I want to have a family, that it won’t happen the way that I want it, and to know what he’s getting into with me. How do I bring this up? How do I not scare him? How do I tell him that I more than likely won’t be able to carry children. How do I give him an out in case he doesn’t want to be with me?
First of all, big ups to you for learning to live with something that would probably break down a lot of other people. That said, having all these disorders is something that still obviously affects you. I think, moving forward, the best thing you can do for yourself when it comes to this relationship or anyone you may have in the future is to not think so much about your condition and the effect it has on your ability to bear children as a confession you have to make, but more so as just another thing that makes you you.
Here’s the thing. You can’t live your life hung up on what may or may not scare people away. Everyone has something about them that may be a deal breaker to someone. Some men will definitely be deterred by your condition, but, surprise surprise, some people won’t. Those are the people that you need to give a chance, because they’ll be committed, supportive, and probably able to cope with adversity, but you can’t determine who those people are unless you come out and tell people what’s going on with your health as matter of fact as possible.
You’ve already been on a few dates with him before, and I’m sure you by now you know each other’s favorite food, colors, movies, and cuddling positions. The next date you go on I’d point to my bracelet and be like, “You never asked me about this.” Then you can launch into your story, and how you battled back, and how you still want to have a family some day even though it may not be the way you originally wanted to. If he really cares about you he’ll admire your inner strength and determination. If not then hey; you can give him an immediately ending him, slowly fading out of his life, or coming to the mutual agreement that things aren’t going to work out. It happens! And you can get back to looking for someone who will accept you for who you are.
Need relationship advice? Send your questions over to ronsimmsjr at gmail dot com.
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