If your man’s parents hate you, YOU may be the problem.

Dear MISSter Simms,

My boyfriend’s parents are nice, but whenever I’m around they never really talk to me or ask me anything about myself.   My boyfriend lives with his parents, and every time I spend the night over his place, they ignore me.   I thought they were shy.  However, one night my boyfriend told me what they actually thought about me.  They think we’re going to break up; that he’s better than me; and that I have an attitude and don’t feel comfortable around me.  I say “hi” to them whenever I see them, but they never really acknowledge me.  My boyfriend said that his mom thinks I should be trying to impress her.  Personally I don’t think I owe her anything, especially not after everything that’s been said about me.  It’s hurtful to know that my boyfriend’s family doesn’t like me, and not only is it hurting me, but it’s hurting his relationship with them as well.  What should I do about all this uncalled for drama?

No More Drama

Dear NMD,

Let’s be really real here.  Your boyfriend’s mom is right.  You should be trying to impress your her and his father while you’re at it. First of all, you’re not spending the night at your boyfriend’s house.  You’re spending the night as his parents’ house. You’re the one showing up all uninvited, taking up space by spending the night, and probably eating all the cheesecake.  You might want to do a little more than say “Hi!” to endear yourself to them.  They may not be friendly to you for a reason.  Have you tried spending time with them?  Sitting in the living room and chatting with them, perhaps?  Asked how they were doing and how their day went?  If you haven’t even attempted any of these things it’s no wonder they think you’ve got an attitude and don’t feel comfortable around you.  Bribery also works.  Try bringing over some homemade baked goods…or wine.  Possibly both!  But not that Barefoot stuff.  Only the finest shall do for his parents if you’re trying to impress them.

Here’s the thing.  Not only do you need to impress your boyfriend’s parents because you’re imposing on them 24/7, but…well…they’re his parents.  And they don’t want their precious boy with some ragamuffin hoochie mama.  You need them to like you because their opinion matters.  Your boyfriend is a lot more likely to like you if his parents like you.  And if you’re boyfriend’s trippin’ and his parents like you, they’ll smack some sense into his head on your behalf.  Besides, them not liking you is messing up your boyfriend’s relationships with his parents.  Don’t you want to smooth things over with them for his sake?

If you think you and your boyfriend have a real future together, you need to get over yourself and start making nice with his parents.  Get your boyfriend to help you.  Instead of him only telling you the negative things his parents are saying about you, have him tell his parents all the things he loves about you.  If you put in the effort, they’ll eventually come around and things will be all good in the hood.

A few months ago I went on a little rant about the use of the word “bitch” by “feminists.” You can read the full article “Why Do We Call Ourselves Bitches” but the gist of it is - how do you “reclaim” a word that was never yours to begin with?

If you’ve spent any time online in the past month then you probably heard about Supreme suing MOB over the Supreme Bitch trademark. In the counterclaim MOB claims that Supreme is misogynistic and touts MOB products as “unapologetically feminist”.  Now, just because someone alleges something in a counterclaim doesn’t make it true - it’s just that person’s version of the facts.  But I just find it difficult to listen to this bullshit any longer.  MOB has no business calling anyone misognynist - it’s like the pot calling the kettle black.

In the MOB answer and counterclaim, MOB states:

Central to MOB’s message is the reclamation of the word “bitch,” a term used to denigrate women, particularly those who spoke and acted counter to “conventional” feminine characteristics of passivity and acquiescence. MOB - which stands for “Most Official Bitches” - embraced and celebrated these so-called undesirable characteristics of strength and assertiveness, and in the tradition of other historically oppressed minorities, re-appropriated the epithet from its abusers.

MOB Answer and Counterclaim #122, p.14.

I don’t agree with that. But ok, MOB says they are reclaiming the use of the word “bitch” as an expression of power. So WHY did MOB create designs that use the word “bitch” as an insult directed toward other people?? It’s clear in the following designs that the intention is to INSULT not EMPOWER.

That’s not all. MOB further denigrates itself by basically calling the wearer a prostitute, simulating sex with a gorilla and labeling the wearer a cunt - probably the worst insult you could call a woman.

And let’s not forget my all time favorite. “Men Are the New Women.” I remember when this first came out and I was completely dumbfounded. I could not comprehend how the statement “Men Are the New Women” was feminist in any way. Perhaps (if you are not completely coherent) it may seem as an empowering statement. But, please ladies, lets think about the actual words and what they mean. You are basically insulting men - by calling them WOMEN. HOW IS THAT EMPOWERING TO WOMEN? {microphone drops}

Some may say I’m being really harsh. Perhaps I am. But this hypocrisy has been going on for far too long. I don’t doubt that MOB’s intentions are good - I just don’t think there’s enough thought going into the messages being perpetuated in the spirit of “empowerment.”

Here’s a look at works by other designers that are actually positive and about empowering women - what I define as feminist…

StopObjectification Charms by Norma Kamali

Standout pieces from DIMEPIECE

And we all know I’m a fan of Herstory - here’s a great one from HELLZ.

You don’t need to insult other people to make yourself stronger. If you do, then you’re no better than your “oppressors”. I realize that there are many types of feminism and that all feminists are not the same. I just don’t think it’s ok to spew hatred toward women and call yourself a feminist. Just my two cents.

No Sex? No Worries!

Dear MISSter Simms,

I’ve been dating a guy for some time now.  We’ve only ever kissed and I’ve never once invited him over to my apartment.  I like him a lot and think that we might have an actual future together.  However, I’ve chosen to abstain from having sex for religious reasons.  I’m not sure if I want to be abstinent until marriage, but I definitely can’t be intimate with someone after only a few months of being with them.  I’m worried that when the time comes and I have to bring up my beliefs with this guy, he’ll leave. He recently asked me to come visit him next weekend (he lives four hours away), but I haven’t said yes yet because I’m worried about sleeping arrangements.  How can I bring up this topic so we can finally get it out in the open?

First Base Girl

Dear FBG,

This is the perfect time to let your abstinence only sexual intimacy policy be known!  I mean he’s already invited you to come visit him at his place.  Do you think he expects you to stay at a nearby hotel?  No.  In his mind he’s probably thinking you’re going to come up and it’s going to be on and poppin’.  Next time you talk to him, you can bring up the visit, ask about sleeping arrangements, and bring up your lack of desire to have sex before marriage.  Then, gauge his reaction.  If it’s positive, awesome! You have a winner on your hands!  If it’s not…then…better to know now than after investing years of your life in the relationship. Personally, I think everything’s going to be just fine.  If you’ve been dating the dude for a while and all you’ve done is kissed, and he hasn’t run for the hills yet, then there’s a strong chance that sex isn’t extremely high on his priorities list and the lack of it wouldn’t be a deal breaker.

Need relationship advice?  Send your questions over to ronsimmsjr at gmail dot com.

Everyone at MISS wishes all the MISS-reading Mamas a Happy Mothers’ Day! As a mama myself I know how important it is to feel like all of your hard work and sacrifices are appreciated. I came across this video from a fellow mama on Instagram and I’d be lying if I said that there wasn’t a part of me - albeit a tiny part - that doesn’t relate to this video. Wishing you a Happy Mother’s Day and hoping you can have five minutes of peace on your special day

Sometimes you have to take drastic measures to ensure you stay healthy

Dear MISSter Simms,

I was let go from my job around a year ago and have not had health insurance since.  I suffer from adult ADHD and find it extremely hard to concentrate without my medication.  I’ve also started developing a bunch of other issues that are affecting my overall health.  While I’d love to get these problems taken care of immediately, unfortunately every viable option is either out of my price range or would require a long wait and being seen by a social worker before being able to be seen by a doctor. Getting meds to treat my ADHD would require even more effort and is something that may not work out anyway.  

I’m engaged, so that gives me another option.  I could secretly marry my fiance and get his health insurance.  We were supposed to get married a year from now, but we could speed that up and get married this weekend via court.  It’s not my first choice, though.  I don’t really want to hide my marriage  and I want to have a traditional wedding ceremony with both our families present.  Should I  suck it up and jump through hoops trying to manage my health issues?  Or should I marry my fiance ahead of schedule and jump on his insurance?

Healthiness Equals Happiness

Dear HEH,

Healthcare in America in 2013 is no joke.  Someone I know fell off their roof the other day and broke both legs, their pelvis, and a couple of ribs.  Fixing those injuries will require an extended hospital stay, multiple surgeries, and eventually rehab.  If this person did not have insurance, they would have been screwed as I’m sure they don’t have several hundred thousand dollars stashed under the mattress or in an off-shore bank account somewhere.  Instead they can rest comfortably knowing that their provider will be handling the majority of the costs.

Even if nothing like that happens to you, you already have more minor (in comparison) health issues that need to be dealt with now.  You mentioned that you can’t currently afford your medication without insurance and need to wait to see a social worker before seeing a doctor, who I’m guessing would hopefully hook you up with free or cheap meds.  But…what if you wait and wait and wait and don’t get to see that social worker?  What if you see the social worker and they don’t refer you to a doctor?  What if you see the doctor, but they don’t deem you worthy of free or cheap medicine?  Can you really afford to live with all of these issues being untreated?

I say all that to say that, yes, I totally think you should marry your fiance now and jump on his insurance because you never know what can happen to you in life.  But, who says you have to keep it a secret or that you can’t have a traditional ceremony with both your families present.  You could have a small ceremony at the courthouse with a few close family members and friends present, sign some papers, and be married.  Then, later on down the road, you could still have that big, traditional ceremony you’ve always dreamed of.  It’s not necessarily going to be less meaningful because you already signed your papers earlier.  And who wants to be deprived of booze and wedding cake?