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Ask MISSter Simms – My Fiance Is Thinking About His Ex

When your finance reaches out to an ex, it may be time to reconsider things

When your finance reaches out to an ex, it may be time to reconsider things

Dear MISSter Simms,

I’m getting married to a wonderful guy in a few weeks.  I’m completely head over heels in love with the guy, but I have a bit of a problem.  You see, I went on his Facebook the other day (which he allows me to do from time to time) and saw that he sent a message to his ex telling her to call him anytime.  My fiance dated this girl for many years, was very much in love with her, and claimed it took him a long time to get over her.  Now I’m not so sure he’s actually over her.

Maybe I’m overreacting, but I’m seriously considering whether I should marry someone who may still be in love with their ex. Can you be in love with someone else while regretting a previous relationship ending?  Does that say anything about the current relationship?  Do you think your feelings for certain exes ever goes away?  I just don’t want to marry someone who may look at me as their second choice, because that hurts.  Is it normal for a guy to contact his ex before he gets married, and should I really be worried about it?

Bride to Be

Dear BTB,

No, it’s definitely not “normal” to contact your ex telling her to call you any time right before you’re about to get married. Especially an ex you dated for several years and are supposedly “over”.  Having cold feet before getting married?  That’s normal. Being anxious about making a lifelong commitment to someone?  Also very normal.  Reflecting on past relationships before your big day?  I see that as normal too.  However, contacting an ex that you clearly don’t speak to that often (otherwise why would you have to tell them to contact you anytime), and inviting them back into your life?  Not. Normal. At. All.  So no, I don’t think you are overreacting by considering whether or not you should still marry this guy.  Clearly there are still some unresolved issues there.

But I think you already knew that.  I don’t think you were randomly going through your fiance’s Facebook just for the hell of it. Why would you?  The only reason I could see anyone going through another person’s Facebook account is to find out something.  I think you were already feeling somewhat insecure in the relationship and didn’t fully trust your fiance, so you needed something to confirm your suspicions.

Now you know that your fiance has some unresolved feelings towards his ex.  Anything else you should be suspicious of or insecure about?  Any other nagging doubts that you have regarding your relationship?  I’d definitely add everything up when trying to decided whether you should go through with your future wedding.  You also need to talk to your fiance before making any decisions.   You said he’s aware that you check his Facebook, so you should feel free to confront him about what you saw and find out directly from him why he decided to reach out to an ex before getting married.  If his answer is satisfactory, then, by all means, go ahead and marry him.  If it isn’t, however, I’d definitely at least postpone the wedding if not cancel it outright.  And if you go that route, I recommend doing some soul searching to figure out if this is really the dude you want to be with forever.

Need relationship advice?  Send your questions to ronsimmsjr at gmail dot com and you might be featured on the next installment of Ask MISSter Simms.

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