Dear MISSter Simms,
I have a problem. My boyfriend is a moocher. He lost his job and moved in with me not too long ago, and I’ve sat by and watched as he’s eaten me out of house and home, used up my expensive shampoo, and run up my utility bills. I wouldn’t mind so much if he contributed in other areas, but he doesn’t. Typically he stays home and says he’s looking for and applying to jobs online, but I really believe he’s just playing video games online all day and watching daytime television. He’s getting unemployment checks, but still doesn’t pay for anything like dinner whenever we go out. I’m tired of it. Now, I know he loves me a lot, and at the end of the day I love him too. But I can’t support a grown man forever. How can I break up with him without breaking his heart or causing friction between us?
Not A Sugar Mama
Dear Sugar Mama,
Unfortunately, if your boyfriend even remotely cares about you, then there’s no way to avoid hurting his feelings when you dump him. And even if he didn’t love, breaking up with him would still hurt because he’s so dependent on you right now. He lives in your place rent free, doesn’t have to buy his own toiletries because he can use yours, doesn’t have to pay a single thing in your place, and doesn’t even have to pay for things when you two go out together. When you give someone everything, and then snatch it away from them when they don’t expect it, they aren’t going to be too happy about it even if it is justified.
Now, if you really want to break up with your boyfriend, there’s a way to go about it that, while not painless, will hopefully help you two from harboring ill will and resentment towards each other.
- While you’re off at work, call your boyfriend and let him know that you need to talk. Everyone knows that “we need to talk” is code for “ish just got real.” At that point he’ll be mentally preparing himself to have a serious conversation with you, even if he doesn’t know what it’s going to be about.
- When you get home, make dinner. Nine out of ten people agree that breakups are easier to take on a full stomach.
- Time to get around to the talk. First rule: be honest. Second rule: lay out your reasons in a logical, easy to understand way. Third rule: keep calm, and be sweet but firm. You want to get what you have to say off your chest without things escalating into a fight. And that kind of thing can easily happen when you confront somebody with information that they previously were unaware of.
- Set a deadline for a moving out date. Might be the next day. Might be a few weeks from now. Either way, doing this lets him know that a) you’re serious and b) his mooching days are coming to an end. He’ll start to take a good, hard look at himself and hopefully be motivated to do what he needs to do.
- Help him find a new place. It’ll help you get him out of your place faster and let him know that you’re not totally heartless. He might still be angry, because you’re kicking him when he’s financially down. But at least he’ll know that you’ve still got his best interests in mind.
Just remember to stay strong. Don’t show any potentially exploitable vulnerability that’ll allow him to worm his way back into your life, and you’ll be just fine.
Need relationship advice? Send your questions to ronsimmsjr at gmail dot com and you might be featured on the next installment of Ask MISSter Simms.
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