Posted on 09 July 2012 | No Comment
Dear MISSter Simms,
I really wish after you read what I write you could give me some advice. My boyfriend and I have been dating for over 4 years now, and I have been a little uneasy when it comes to my close friend and him. When we started dating, she use to always take his side when we argued. He use to give her more attention sometimes and not even realize it. After a year passed I confronted him about it and asked if he had any kind of feelings for her and he denied it. I let it go and moved on with my life thinking it was just me over thinking stuff. As time passed we started fighting/arguing more about it, because I wanted to know the truth. (she is a family friend as well so she comes to stay over at my place). Everytime I went up to him he would say he has no feelings for her and proved me wrong every time. I would go to my sister, parents about it and they’d think I’m crazy/pyscho for thinking like that and my boyfriend would side them (he has a very innocent/quiet personality). From 6 months we have been talking about engagement and wedding and we were planning to get engaged by next Feb until yesterday. My friend is staying over for 2 months and every time when i am around them she nor he would talk. If they meet at my house she has that shy kind of look but I let it go. Once I leave to go somewhere they talk freely. Yesterday I confronted him again because I really thought something was going on and I told him to take a promise that he had no feelings for her and he said he wouldn’t. Then he admitted that yes he had a crush on her after me asking him from over 2 years about it. He admitted that sometimes when he came to my house he did think of her, he thinks she’s cute, he likes hanging out with her because they have common interests and that he did think once how it would be to date her (me and her have very similar features and when I go out people think we are sisters). He started having feelings for her from the time we started dating and it increased when we all went to her house for a stayover. Just like how me and him got along in an instance him and her got along and maybe thats why he feels the same way for her? I dont know. I asked him if he felt that from her side and he said yes. It took me 2 years to get something out of him. I’m not sure what to do. Hope you can help me out. Thanks, Pinky
Would you continue dating someone who’s been cheating on you for your entire relationship? Because that’s basically what’s been going on.
No, I’m not talking about the kind of cheating that leads to repeat appearances on the Maury Povich Show. I’m talking about the more cerebral kind of cheating, the one that involves the head attached to your boyfriend’s neck and not the one in his pants. Some people call it an “affair of the heart” (those people are weird). I like to call it “emotional cheating”.
Let’s see…your boyfriend has been:
- emotionally investing himself in your friend to the detriment of your relationship
- deceiving you by lying this whole time about his actual feelings for your friend (as well as about her feelings for him)
- struggling to keep you from knowing how emotionally invested he is in your friend
- majorly denying any and all traces of attraction to your friend…when we all know that most guys would do anything with boobs.
All of the above are characteristics of emotional cheating. You said your boyfriend has had feelings for this other girl since you began dating. You said that when you’re around they act all weird, and when you’re not around they’re like BFFs who can’t get enough of each other. You said him an her have common interests, which I assume means more common interests than the two of you currently have. I think the only logical thing to do in this situation is break up with him and call it a day. He may be physically with you, but his mind is clearly elsewhere. Hell, even when he’s with you he might be fantasizing that you’re the other chick since you guys look so much alike. And do you really want to spend more time worrying about what your friend and your boyfriend may or may not be doing when you’re not around? Speaking of friends, see about getting better ones. Maybe uglier looking ones that don’t look like you and aren’t after your man.
Need relationship advice? Send your questions over to ronsimmsjr at gmail dot com.