Dear MISSter Simms,
I’m lonely, oh so lonely. I’ve been searching for Mr. Right, but all I’ve been able to find so far have been a bunch of Mr. Right Now’s. While I’m not adverse to enjoying a healthy sex life, it’s not exactly the path people usually take to find their significant other. I’m smart, good looking, funny. I have a great group of friends and a wonderful family. And I don’t have any kids already. So why haven’t I been able to find “The One” for me yet? I need your help!
Dear Miss Lonely,
First, you need to realize that “The One” doesn’t exist. It’s just some crap people in Hollywood like to sell other people. The sooner you realize that at least a few million out of the billions of dudes in the world would make a suitable boyfriend/husband, the better off you’ll be. Now, if you want to progress from neighborhood freak-a-leak to wifey material, you’re gonna have to make a couple of adjustments to your life. The biggest thing: keeping your vagina in your pants. Dudes start to lose interest in things the second they’ve achieved their goal of banging it (pillow, goat, women, you name it). You have to make the dude wait and work for it over the span of say…a couple of months at least. During that time you can do these crazy things called “getting to know each other” and “forming bonds.” It’s a strange concept, but when you force a dude to switch from booty pursuit to focusing on your personality, wonderful things can happen. So go forth, meet some more dudes, and refrain from banging them at all costs!
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