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Ron Simms Jr.
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Ask MISSter Simms: I Can’t Get A Guy

so lonely

Forever alone?

Dear MISSter Simms,

I know you usually get questions asking for relationship advice, but my situation is a little different.  You see, I have no relationship that I need advice for.  That’s the problem.  I’m getting tired of being alone, spending night after night out with my girlfriends, and I want a boyfriend.  Unfortunately all my attempts at meeting guys have failed miserably.  I’ve tried meeting guys at church.  I’ve tried meeting guys at bookstores.  I’ve even tried meeting guys at weddings!  None of my attempts have worked.  I could really use your help!

Lonely Island

Dear LI,

First of all, you’re looking for guys in all the wrong places.  The bookstore?  Seriously?  Anyone who’s buying books these days clearly hates trees and, by association, the environment.   And chances are they’re too broke to afford a Kindle, iPad, or Nook to read some e-books on.  So…do you really want someone who is broke <i>and</i> hates nature?  Don’t even get me started on church and weddings.  You need to start frequenting bars, football games, Hooters, and Dave and Busters if you’re really serious about getting a dude.  But before you do, treat yourself.  Get your hair done.  Buy yourself a shirt or dress that could draw some attention (the good kind).  From my experience, it’s not that hard for a girl to get a guy.  All you really have to do is stand around, look good, be interesting, not have any children and you’re pretty much set.

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