Dear MISSter Simms,
Me and my boyfriend have been dating for a year now and things are pretty serious between us. We have a lot of fun together, open communication, and I can’t complain about our sex life, either. Now, despite all that, there is one lingering concern and that’s that my boyfriend is not romantic. At all. I regularly leave him love notes at his computer or on his desk, and I’ve bought him things without him asking me to. Does he return the romance? No. He’s definitely a loving kind of person, but he hasn’t shown in any tangible way other than physically and with his words.
He asked me to move in with him the other day and I’m kind of conflicted. On the one hand I want to move in with him because I really do love him. But on the other hand I think that if I do that I’ll never get the romance I want. Should I talk to him about it and risk coming across as needy? Or does it even really matter if my boyfriend buys me things as long as everything else is great?
First of all, let me hit you off with some truth medicine that may be hard to swallow. If your boyfriend is not romantic now, he probably never will be. While I do believe people are capable of change, it doesn’t happen overnight and definitely doesn’t happen on a whim. People have to really want to change, and in order to want to change they have to find a really good reason for them to change in the first place.
Now, once you’ve accepted there’s a high probability your boo will be an unromantic dude for the rest of eternity, you’ve got a decision to make. Is being romantic more important than everything else good in your relationship? Do you need chocolates, random gifts, and lovey dovey post-it notes to feel validated in your relationship? Are you secretly going to be hoping, wishing, and praying that one day he’ll do something unexpected, like leaving an adorable stuffed animal on your pillow? Or is it possible that you can find satisfaction in your relationship despite the lack of romance?
Personally I think you should stick around with your boo and go ahead and move in with him. Other than the absence of romance, it sounds like you have a good guy on your hands. And what’s the point of letting go of something good over something relatively minor. A good guy is hard to find. A romantic one? Even harder. So I think you need to kind of manage your expectations and learn to be happy with what you have.
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