A year and a half ago, I met a guy who I thought was the best thing in a long while. We had similar tastes and a lot in common; he had many traits I was looking for, we clicked with the same sense of humor, we had chemistry, and he was ridiculously cute. After some banter and planning of potential dates, I wondered why we still hadn’t fulfilled any of these plans. Since I was amidst traveling and long work hours for almost a month, I chalked it up to my busy schedule and looked forward to getting together.
Three months after our initial encounter, we finally had a date. It was even better than expected and I thought, “This was worth the wait.” Being with him was a pleasant shock as I felt I was looking into a mirror of my future plans and current feelings, but also saw someone who wasn’t too much like me that we would clash. It was amazing. After a late night we talked the next morning and were texting throughout the following day. I couldn’t wait to see him again.
After a week, I decided to call him. He didn’t answer, but immediately texted me saying he was in class. No biggie. But after two weeks and no voice to voice contact or other dates, I began to wonder what was up. He was flirty in texts, but there were no future meetings booked. I soon stopped reaching out, and he did, too. It seemed I was the initiator and I wasn’t okay being the only one trying to move forward, so I was temporarily disappointed, and moved on.
However, he stayed in my life. Right when I thought I was over it, this guy would reach out. He would text or email just when I was about to write him off. When one of my friends would notice I was giddy due to some sort of romance, I would share, and she would respond with, “Oh? The Flake?!? He’s still around?” and question why I was still bothering with him. I never had a good answer. Again, we were flirty but it was either class, work, family, going into crisis about moving cities all of a sudden, actually moving to Philadelphia, not visiting when he planned, dogsitting, or something else with this guy. I thought I was busy, but I never had that many reasons to get out of plans or last minute cancel. When he moved, I thought we would effectively end, yet, he did not. It was him saying he would be back to see family and not far away and blah blah blah. It was confusing since I seemed to be more into him than he was into me (which I hate to admit).
After a lot of waiting and then giving up for the umpteenth time, we lost touch for a few months. However, he reappeared in my life. He moved back to NY and I thought it may be different since it was a big life lesson for him with the moving cities and shaking things up. Nope, that step had no effect on The Flake. Even a year after we met and were reconnecting over what we were up to, new plans, new year’s resolutions, and kicking bad habits, he was the same ol’ Flake. He shared with me he had been dating a girl that was a bad influence, so he finally dumped her (maybe a reason he was flaky with me?). He also shared one of his new year’s resolutions was to “stop being flaky and stop making plans and not keeping them.” I kid you not, he used those words. I finally realized his not following through was his thing. It wasn’t personal about me. It didn’t make him a bad person. But it was definitely not working for any sort of a relationship between us.
Reflecting on The Flake, part of why it was so hard to let him go was he reminded me of the good qualities of my favorite ex. What I should have noticed is my co-workers and I used to refer to that ex as “The Flake” and never used his name. After the second go ’round and thousandth disappointment, I’ve found I can make excuses for, understand, justify, get angry, be sad, be disappointed, and prep myself, but The Flake will not change. All humans can change and there are The Flakes who adjust their ways, but it is not going to happen from my wishing or pushing.
If you are in a relationship that goes a lil’ something like: Can’t make plans. Makes plans then cancels. Makes more plans, then something comes up. Reschedules, they seem to be legit reasons, and he’s still such a great guy. . . you’re dealing with The Flake. Honey, you can love him, but you can’t change him.
Image Layout: Margaret
- Ask MISSter Simms – My Boyfriend’s Only With Me For Sex
- Ask MISSter Simms: Going From Rebound to Girlfriend
- Ask MISSter Simms: How to Cope With My Ex’s New Girlfriend
- Ask MISSter Simms – Did I Drop Him Too Soon?
- Ask MISSter Simms – Are My Boyfriend’s Friends a Bad Influence?