I thought I’d take a break from cooking tips and secrets and vent about my personal philosophies regarding food. I guess these could technically be “cooking secrets” since I’ve never collectively shared them. These bulletpoints are some food-related pet peeves and in no particular order. I really want to see if I’m totally off-base here. Can I get some fries with that shake-shake booby? Shoop, shoop bedeh doop, doop.
Five Things I Hate About Food or the Food Industry: Part 1
1. Truffle Oil
If you ever have the privilege of eating an actual truffle, white or black, you are lucky. Truffles, the rare underground gem of a mushroom, dug up by smell-o-rrific pigs and dogs in damp countrysides, are distinct, delicious, and damn pricey. Truffle oil is a way for the layperson to sample in the luxury, or so you’re told and hack chefs put it on everything. It’s not real, folks. Most often, this so-called “truffle oil” is a synthetic flavor and it’s added to cheap olive oil. It reeks, ruins food, and it’s overpriced. Go get the real thing. Truffle oil is to real truffles as the hollow chocolate bunny is to Jacques Torres.
2. Emperor’s New Restaurant (doesn’t have to be a new spot, necessarily)
Have you ever been to a restaurant and by the end of the experience, you’re like, “Am I taking crazy pills??? Everyone said this place was the jam???” Yeah. Well, this happens pretty much every time I eat out. And I damn the friend(s) who told me to go to “such n’ such, it is AMAZING.” I call this phenomenon the “Emperor’s New Restaurant” because of the fable/tale/story where the king summons the finest tailor and seamster to sew him a masterpiece for his walk in the next parade. So excited by his pending fashion, he hangs on every convincing word that the garb will fit perfectly and be the height of grandeur. He ends up walking nekkid down the street because it was all a hoax. A little kid is the only one to pipe up and say, “Look! He’s nekkid!” If the pork chop is “to die for”, or the mojito is “the best in the city”, I’ll pass. No it’s not. Screw y’all for following the crowd, I know the chef is nekkid.
3. Sheepish Hosts
When you first walk into a restaurant and no one greets you, you end up milling around, trying to catch eye contact with someone who may be a gatekeeper. If said gatekeeper slinks up to you and muffles, “how many” and then can barely reach the menus out of sheer irony at her lack of social skills, walk out. The rest of the night will not fare any better. She is the face of this restaurant. If she cannot invite you in with appropriate gusto, this means that the owner or manager is ok with this sheepishness being your first impression. If you’re into mediocrity or subpar, be my guest, eat up your bland tuna tartare.*
4. Bacon Overload
Bacon is delicious–the almost burnt, crispy smoked meat and juicy salty fat alongside it, all in one bite. But there is such thing as too much of a good thing. If you peruse the interwebs, you will find that someone has found a stupid, inane use for bacon. Bras? Guns? If I had that much time on my hands…jeez. I will admit that I have bacon band-aids. I find myself rating my burns and boo-boo’s, trying to decide which injury is worthy of a fake slab of pig. But that’s a funny, hokey gag-toy. I wasn’t at home one day and decide, hey, we have bacon…I have a boobs! Let’s do this!
5. People Who Order Salt w/ Their Tequila Shots And Claim “I HAVE to have salt or else I _________.”
You’re a loser. Learn how to drink.
I love food. I can’t stand it when it gets ruined. Now you know why. I have more of these, in case you didn’t get your fill. Stay tuned for “Part Deux.”
*Tuna Tartare is so late 90’s. Don’t order that crap. It’s just low-grade tuna, soy sauce and sugar. If you’re at a spot that has it on the menu (I’m sure it comes with “crispy wontons on the side”), just go home and order a cheesesteak. Think about how insulted you were that they would serve you such obsolete fare. (I bet they had “Wasabi Mashed Potatoes” too!!!)
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