“Like, ohmiGOSH I’m sooo Team Edward, he’s just really, like… ohmigosh he’s so hot”
“Umm… no way! Team JACOB, dude!”
This exchange was not heard in the line outside of the theater, but rather in the line at the deli between two 27-ish year olds who (clearly) thought they were 13. I winced, paid for my nighttime snacks and walked out of the deli. A couple blocks down, I spotted a poster for New Moon. I sighed, and continued walking to the train. I walked behind another duo, who appeared to be on a date. “Aww, dating is still alive and well,” I thought to myself happily. That happiness was instantly crushed though when a snippet of their conversation wafted over the traffic and into my ears: “True Blood is like my porn, I am really really loving vampires lately!” she said. I quickly barged ahead of them, disgruntled as all hell, and made my way into the subway. As I walked down the stairs, I spotted yet more New Moon posters– was this the Twilight Zone?! I was stuck in vampire hell!
Is it just me, or are the blood suckers everywhere you turn these days? From True Blood to Rob Pattinson and CW’s The Vampire Diaries, pop culture is KIND of obsessed with vampires and it’s really goddamn annoying! It’s bad enough that lately TV and movies are so crappy that my only options of decent entertainment are basically Mad Men on Sundays or reruns of The George Lopez show, but now I have to deal with the annoyance of watching overly-pretty people dancing around the idea of sucking blood? Super duper lame!
I tuned in once to an episode of The Vampire Diaries, and what really annoyed me was the fact that the show–like all vampire obsessed entertainment these days–wasn’t really about the macabre and the element of horror that vampire culture used to be about in the old days. Forget scary spooks and haunting thrills! The new crop of Team Edward/Jacob vampires are nothing more than overly-hot wannabe The O.C. flunkies who, instead of lounging at the beach, have been instructed to suck blood and look hot in skinny jeans while doing it. The current vampire mania is little more than a vapid regurgitation of teen culture a la The Hills, except it’s trying to masquerade as “edgy” and “mysterious”. And perhaps the ONLY thing more annoying than belligerent hot teens are belligerent hot teens trying to be “edgy”. SO NOT COOL!
I miss the days when vampires were scary, gnarly and awesome! Remember those days? When Nosferatu scared the crap out of you with his creepy-ass long fingernails and the O.G Dracula had a hair-pouf so bizzaro you just KNEW he was not of this world? Sigh and double sigh. I guess I miss the days when horror was a thriving genre, when suspense combined with the unknown. Vampires had carved out their own niche! They were suave, semi-humans– this was always true. BUT, they also were really creepy and not afraid to show it. They let the blood dribble down their teeth, they slept in their coffins, they didn’t have any crazy magical powers other than being general blood-drinking bad asses. Vampires were a tangible part of horror, a sub-set that contributed to the genre and helped it thrive. Sure, there were parodies every now and then and vampires had a comical edge to them, but for the most part even though they could make you laugh, they also made you pee your pants in fright. Exactly what a vampire should make you do.
What changed? I blame the 90s, and in specific, Buffy the Vampire Slayer. The 90’s series (and movie of the original name) was a shameless parade of hot high-schoolers (Sarah Michelle Gellar and David Borenaz) who just HAPPENED to be carrying out a battle between vampires and humans. You know, in between 2nd and 3rd period. Angel’s “taboo” romance with Buffy was the stuff Dawson’s Creek loving teen dreams were made of, and they ate it up with a spoon. And THAT, my friends, was the beginning of the end. Vampires scaring you silly? Pffttt, it was all about vampires making great wall-ornaments for girls with crushes. Bastardization, I say!!
I could go on and on about how I’m neither Team Edward or Team Jacob, more like team HATER. I could talk a lot about how True Blood is like porno for the HBO ordering masses (I’m just sayin’– you can get softcore for free if you want!). I could talk about how vampires have gotten so annoying that I would, at this point, rather watch an episode of The Hills just out of pure spite. But, I think I’ll spare you the gory details. Suffice it to say, I am counting down the days until this vampire trend is officially DEAD.
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