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Little M.I.S.S. Frustrated: Vampires Suck!

Little M.I.S.S. Frustrated sez: Click THIS!

Little M.I.S.S. Frustrated sez: Click THIS!

“Like, ohmiGOSH I’m sooo Team Edward, he’s just really, like… ohmigosh he’s so hot”

“Umm… no way! Team JACOB, dude!”

This exchange was not heard in the line outside of the theater, but rather in the line at the deli between two 27-ish year olds who (clearly) thought they were 13. I winced, paid for my nighttime snacks and walked out of the deli. A couple blocks down, I spotted a poster for New Moon. I sighed, and continued walking to the train. I walked behind another duo, who appeared to be on a date. “Aww, dating is still alive and well,” I thought to myself happily. That happiness was instantly crushed though when a snippet of their conversation wafted over the traffic and into my ears: “True Blood is like my porn, I am really really loving vampires lately!” she said. I quickly barged ahead of them, disgruntled as all hell, and made my way into the subway. As I walked down the stairs, I spotted yet more New Moon posters– was this the Twilight Zone?! I was stuck in vampire hell!

Twilight mania... like ohmigosh!!

Twilight mania... like ohmigosh!!

Is it just me, or are the blood suckers everywhere you turn these days? From True Blood to Rob Pattinson and CW’s The Vampire Diaries, pop culture is KIND of obsessed with vampires and it’s really goddamn annoying! It’s bad enough that lately TV and movies are so crappy that my only options of decent entertainment are basically Mad Men on Sundays or reruns of The George Lopez show, but now I have to deal with the annoyance of watching overly-pretty people dancing around the idea of sucking blood? Super duper lame!

Vampires have evolved from black and white and pale, to HOT blooded and tan. In skimpy shorts.

Vampires have evolved from black and white and pale, to HOT blooded and tan. In skimpy shorts.

I tuned in once to an episode of The Vampire Diaries, and what really annoyed me was the fact that the show–like all vampire obsessed entertainment these days–wasn’t really about the macabre and the element of horror that vampire culture used to be about in the old days. Forget scary spooks and haunting thrills! The new crop of Team Edward/Jacob vampires are nothing more than overly-hot wannabe The O.C. flunkies who, instead of lounging at the beach, have been instructed to suck blood and look hot in skinny jeans while doing it. The current vampire mania is little more than a vapid regurgitation of teen culture a la The Hills, except it’s trying to masquerade as “edgy” and “mysterious”. And perhaps the ONLY thing more annoying than belligerent hot teens are belligerent hot teens trying to be “edgy”. SO NOT COOL!

Whatever happened to Nosferatu?! I'm just saying...

Whatever happened to Nosferatu?! I'm just saying...

I miss the days when vampires were scary, gnarly and awesome! Remember those days? When Nosferatu scared the crap out of you with his creepy-ass long fingernails and the O.G Dracula had a hair-pouf so bizzaro you just KNEW he was not of this world? Sigh and double sigh. I guess I miss the days when horror was a thriving genre, when suspense combined with the unknown. Vampires had carved out their own niche! They were suave, semi-humans– this was always true. BUT, they also were really creepy and not afraid to show it. They let the blood dribble down their teeth, they slept in their coffins, they didn’t have any crazy magical powers other than being general blood-drinking bad asses. Vampires were a tangible part of horror, a sub-set that contributed to the genre and helped it thrive. Sure, there were parodies every now and then and vampires had a comical edge to them, but for the most part even though they could make you laugh, they also made you pee your pants in fright. Exactly what a vampire should make you do.

I miss the suave spookiness of "I WANTTT to Suck Your Blood!"

I miss the suave spookiness of "I WANTTT to Suck Your Blood!"

What changed? I blame the 90s, and in specific, Buffy the Vampire Slayer. The 90’s series (and movie of the original name) was a shameless parade of hot high-schoolers (Sarah Michelle Gellar and David Borenaz) who just HAPPENED to be carrying out a battle between vampires and humans. You know, in between 2nd and 3rd period. Angel’s “taboo” romance with Buffy was the stuff Dawson’s Creek loving teen dreams were made of, and they ate it up with a spoon. And THAT, my friends, was the beginning of the end. Vampires scaring you silly? Pffttt, it was all about vampires making great wall-ornaments for girls with crushes. Bastardization, I say!!

I could go on and on about how I’m neither Team Edward or Team Jacob, more like team HATER. I could talk a lot about how True Blood is like porno for the HBO ordering masses (I’m just sayin’– you can get softcore for free if you want!). I could talk about how vampires have gotten so annoying that I would, at this point, rather watch an episode of The Hills just out of pure spite. But, I think I’ll spare you the gory details. Suffice it to say, I am counting down the days until this vampire trend is officially DEAD.

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6 Responses to “Little M.I.S.S. Frustrated: Vampires Suck!”

  1. Betsey J says:

    awww….well what can ya do?
    I guess us Twi-fans can’t win all of you over.
    Spend a little time with the WTForks gals and I guarantee you’ll get a new perspective on Twilight.

    Team WTForks!


  2. Jenessa Jenessa says:

    This was a fun read! haha…the other day my THREE (and a half) year old were in Borders, I was looking at fashion mags and at her level were the kid/teen mags. she pulls out a mag and goes “Mommy i like this one, he’s sooo cute” IT WAS ROBERT PATTISON! WTF. one why is she looking at boys and two…two? by the time that thought crossed my head we were out of there!

  3. JanaNye says:

    I really like Twilight and once got so excited talking about it to a friend I nearly fell off a bar stool. I’m 25. But I agree that there is a sudden influx of vampire related shows and movies. Its a trend. It shall pass.

    I really like your collages.

  4. Queen of Bows Stella says:

    Agreed: where are the scary vampires of olden days? Not into the trend, not sure how people are making it a “fashion,” and sticking to averting my eyes til this all cools.

  5. Gabriella GDK says:

    Um, hello? How can you skip this gem of a Vampire movie??


    Great post Gee!

  6. Teva says:

    OMG I love you! team HATER!!
    Robert Pattinson is fugly, I don’t know how come everyone likes him! seriously!! and Jacob sure has a body as hot as hell, but he’s like a baby to me (I’m 22). I watch Vampire Diaries, though, but only for the gorgeous Ian Somerhalder. If anyone could bring the evil in a “vampire” out, he’s the man..
    I like the concept of vampires in Supernatural. Eventhough unlike the classic vampires, but at least they’re totally hardcore and not overly soft and talking bullsh’t about love and rainbows. omg…


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