There’s this guy, we have had a mutual best friend for years but never really hung out just met a bunch of times. He is not initially good looking, I mean he is very short, (so am I) but he knows everybody and is really clued in to pretty much everything cool especially in fashion, music clubs restaurants etc, he owns his own company he is really picky and has very discerning taste, . . . but he really not so “hot” just kinda cute in a trollish way . . . my friends tell me I am to cute for him. So anyway one night we discover we are attracted to another, that weekend we go out we make out,we hang out again the next week we make out,then I get really sick. I have to take all this medicine and am sick with an intestinal problem for a month, we still hang out, but I am not particularly feeling sexy, not really focused on making out or sleeping with him, more focused on getting as fucked as as possible because my belly hurts so bad…… so he decided I am a really lame and get too drunk ( I had a Vicodin prescription) and basically disses me, stops asking me to hang out, but I get better and we don’t talk, I let it alone. My pride is wounded especially because he is kinda trollish and I was sick and on bad behavior so it was my fault. A few times I see him, and I act like its cool whatever we are friends, then I run into him at a club, we talk and then I ask him if he wants to make out, we do, hen he leaves because he is working, he’s part owner of a bar. Then I see him at our mutual friends wedding, we leave together, we hang out, then when we are saying goodbye he goes to kiss me, and i say “no i don’t think so”, and I tell him “you dissed me, and it sucks, because I don’t usually get dissed by a guy I like and I really liked you but I was so sick and badly behaved and I’m really bothered by the way it all went down. and I am just saying this because we have mutual friends and I want things to be cool between us.” He says ” I didn’t diss you, I like hanging out with you when I do, I just don’t want a girlfriend right now, but I want to be friends and I want things to be cool and I want to make out.” I said, “I don’t want a boyfriend either but I want to make out,” so we make out, and I give him such a really really good kiss, (for the first time), an I really like you super hot long make out kiss, and he said “that was nice” (and proceeded to get hit by a car on the way home, just a funny side note, and he is fine, and i only know this from face book because…) I have not contacted him since, he hasn’t had a girlfriend for years and years and years, and I think he will like me soon maybe since I’m not acting retardedly anymore, just wondering, if I should definitely not really contact him, and should I just make out with him whenever I see . . . if i make out with him whenever I see him, will he just not take me seriously? Or will it just be fun, and cool with the possibility of a more serious future? Because actually I do want the right boyfriend someday. Am I completely crazy for thinking I have a chance with this guy because I have already ruined it?
The Professional: Now that was a long a long question. Your question has everything to do with expectation setting. Sounds like you have the “friends with benefits” relationship down but I think your “trollish” friend is happy with the just the occasional make-out. Keep in mind, you set this expectation with him by telling him you were not interested in a boyfriend. Remember, you like to hook-up in and out of the club, you like a beverage or two and you don’t want a boyfriend. Secondly, the fact that he didn’t contact you after a car accident, even if it was minor, tends to lead one to believe he only sees you as a make-out option but not a long term possibility.
It is extremely difficult to read just how one sees you once the expectations are set. Once a hook-up option, always a hook-up option. I’m not saying it is impossible to roll a hook-up relationship into and boyfriend/girlfriend situation, but it usually takes a fundamental change. Try not hooking-up next time you see him in the club just to test his reaction. Seems like you’ve tried to say “no” in the past, but succumbed to your desires. A good test never hurts and is a great way to see where people stand. If you say “no” and Mr. Troll decides focuses his attentions on another hook-up opportunity, well you should look elsewhere for love.
Remember, you make your own destiny. If you want to hook-up, then hook-up. If you tired of the same old hooking-up, then try something new. Try not hooking-up and what comes out of it. It’s your life and you can control peoples expectations through your actions. Self control is not a bad thing in the long run.
Read the full story to hear what the Jerk has to say.
The Jerk: What up make-out queen. Sounds like your pretty proud of your looks and tongue control. Watch out for the party girl curse. Once you get pegged as a party girl all sorts of scoundrels will be searching you out. I should try to be more helpful and answer each of your questions:
Should you call him: if you want to play tongue polo – yes. If you want a long term relationship – no, wait till he calls you.
Should you just make out with him whenever you see him: I can’t tell you how to live your life, but if you want to be taken seriously – no. Keep your tongue in your mouth, and see if there is any chemistry without your saliva.
If you make out with him every time you see him, will he just not take me seriously: Please believe, he will take you seriously. You will seriously be the back-up or safety when his other options don’t pan out. It sucks, I know, but what do you expect?
Will hooking up just be fun and cool with the possibility of a more serious future: I’m sure hooking up will be fun but I have no idea if it will be cool. Hard to tell what’s cool know-a-days. I guess if New Order or Kid Cudi is playing in the background it could be cool.
Will it lead to a more serious future? Depends on whether one of you has the herp. I guess I have to say it now: HE TOLD YOU HE DOES NOT WANT A GIRLFRIEND, YOU TOLD HIM YOU DON’T WANT A BOYFRIEND.
Are you completely crazy for thinking you have a chance with this guy because you have already ruined it: Short answer is yes. I wouldn’t say you’ve ruined it, you’ve just created hook up partner, not a boyfriend. Listen to the professional, change the relationship dynamic and see what happens. Worst case – you get to practice your late night heavy petting and tongue lashing.
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